metal heart

i'm utterly miserable tonight. i promised myself i would change, that when it comes to this, i would not become this person. but i slowly am and emotions slowly take charge. i feel too lonely. i think watching the oc brings the worst out in me.

so it's our second day in beijing, and i'm feeling the exhaustion. 7am wake ups are the devil.
arrive in at about 7am then headed for the hostel (which rules), hired some bikes for 10 yuan/AUD2.50 and rode around. got lost, found our way back then went and saw dj shadow at a club called angel.
pretty hectic first night, followed by a 7am wake up to get ready to walk to the great wall.
2 hour bus ride later, we met up with a little tour guide we liked to call 'sherpa shepherd/smeagol', who never EVER got tired. we climbed up the mountain and along the bit of the wall that was totally deserted, no tourists to be seen, no reconstruction of the wall at all. it was amazing.
++++++ i saw snow for the very first time ever! woop woop woop.
then we went to a shaolin kung fu performance, very tourist-directed but a great show nonethless.
boxhead decided to get drunk afterwards but i went and got some well-deserved sleep.
now i'm just waiting for him so we can get on a bus for an hour and a half and visit the summer palace.

action packed!

photo of my new haircut {i'll put a better one up later}

oh luna, you crazy bitch.

so it's day 5 in shanghai, just thought i'd write down online how much ulcers fucking suck.
starting to enjoy myself a little bit more, but have mainly been jotting my thoughts down in my moleskine.
might scan some random doodles from it to chuck in here.
we're going to somewhere sometime soon. don't really know where. apparently it's close to wilderness so we get to see wildlife and the such.
not very interested in it. hope i don't get eaten alive. just want to finish the book i'm reading.

i wish i could apologise to everyone i'm on holidays with regarding my blase attitude to this whole holiday. it just came at a time when i wasn't as keen to go on it as i thought. didn't have a special boy in my life when it was organised, didn't regard three weeks away with 4 days away prior in hamilton island as a long vacation until i was actually on it.
what i guess i'm trying to say is that i want to go home. mad raging homesickness. but the next two weeks will more than likely whizz which will be appreciated.

photos from hamilton island will be put up as well.

all i have for now is a dodgy picture of me from my phone {showing possibly the greatest hoodie known to man. a cat with one blue eye and one brown}

i think i might get out the journal at the end of the trip and update my blog. for my sake.

all my love and a thousand kisses to my sweethearts i haven't seen in so long. i am slowly losing my mind.

deserving

kate, you will probably not remember much about tonight. so just to recap:
all week you have been whinging about feeling 'sooooo ill' and that you think it would be a wise decision to take it easy on the alcohol.
then, on a tuesday night, you get wasted and start talking to me on msn.
naturally, i get angry and i told you off.
this is what i said:

Kate said:

no
Kate said:
no
Kate said:
come party
Kate said:
where's my xbox
stephanie said:
kate im not talking to you when youre drunk
stephanie said:
you complain about being sick and that you think you should go easy
stephanie said:
then you get wasted
stephanie said:
im a little bit over it
stephanie said:
i'll talk to you when i get back

you really need to start looking after yourself! and if you're not going to, then you're going to be suffering the consequences permanently. and i'm not going to listen to you complain about them anymore.

BUT
this is the best bit.
just so you know i'm not too angry at you cos i think i made myself out to be pretty gnarly mad:

Kate said:
I LOVE BEING DRUNK
Kate said:
I LIVE FOR BEING DRUNL
Kate said:
DRUNK EVEN
Kate said:
PS IM REALLY HORNY I THINK ILL GO WATCH PORN

love you.
hope the porn was good.


{a cover i was working on for a half imaginary magazine}

shining violence

i found out that my grandma in china died this morning and i always find it so hard to console my parents when they need it. i never know the right thing to say or do to make them feel any better, and i can't stand seeing my mum upset. it's the worst feeling.
she was the last of my grandparents to pass, and it's almost as if it marks the next generation of death to sweep. this idea has been haunting me and i feel as if i am more upset about that than anything.
i wasn't as close to my grandma in china as i was to my grandma in australia so i don't feel as distraught as i did when my nana died a couple of years ago. and for some strange reason, i almost feel guilty for not.
my mum's flying out tomorrow and i have a feeling next week is going to be very weird.
this is the fifth death that i know of that has happened in the past three days and i'm feeling so shocked by life at the moment.

urgh. too heavy.

here is the best message i have gotten all day:
"holy shit the sketchiest dude just came in. he came behind the counter and then asked me where people get changed in the store. and then he asked me if i could measure him and he started taking his clothes off. wtf."

skinhead! skinhead!

watching harry potter in bed. what a nerd.
i worked my first 12 hour shift today and i'm ready to chop my legs off to stop the pain. such a work out!
i'm pretty excited for tomorrow.
mariokart dates, powerhouse museum, OMG TOTS PLAYING LETS GO JUNGLE!!!!
yayyyy chinatown, you always deliver!

and this is for my darling nina: i think you should move to queensland. it's going to be bad for us that you leave behind (like, really bad) but the opportunity is such a good one at this stage of your life! take everything that life throws at you!

then come back quickly.


i need a haircut.
someone come at me with a razor.

jagxoff vol. I

boxhead and i are babysitting tonight and after we put my brother to bed we decided to smoke a little which made us giggle a little which made us hungry a little...which also made us steal my stepdads television out of his room into mine....and the dvd player from the living room as well.
so i think we are doing pretty well for ourselves.
my room is now my den.

{a drawing im working on...}

all the while, benjamin is currently burning the 7th dvd of porn from his computer.

unproductive productivity

i got out the sewing machine to zip up some uni work i have due in a couple of days for textiles and instead i decided to do this:

such a loser.

she wears my blood

telling big secrets of mine seems scarier to do to closest friends than it does to strangers. i just told one of the biggest to one of the loves of my life and i feel physically ill.
now that i've got that out, here are some things that i love:

# gaps in traffic.

# free entry to anything.

# speedy replies to messages.

# escaping rbt's, DUI or no.

# finishing a sudoku, and having another to do straight after.

# perfume on clothes from the night before.

list to be updated. feeling like shit and thought that making an i-like list would make me feel better, but its not, so i'm gonna sleep away the demons.

can i just say

i love you photobooth.

ben and norah.

so this is what we went with and i'm not 100% keen on it but whatevz. clients are too fussy and i'm not fussed enough.

troublesome week. scared to go to my classes tomorrow. pretty certain my graphics teacher is going to eat me and my computers tutor is going to zap my face off.
thank youuuuu doctors certificate.
i'm sick of always being behind and i need some definite pointers on how to keep motivated. i'm coming to that scary plateau that so many of my friends have told me about where you don't know where you're going in life and if it has any meaning to what you're doing / WHAT IS THE POINT OF IT ALL.
i'm not going to be drawing forever. hell, i don't even know if i want to be.
i wish i could turn pocket lint into gold.

good friends of mine are fighting. it isn't nice and i don't like it and i hope it stops soon cos as strong as i pretend to be about these things, i'm never as supported as i come off.
some advice that i gave a friend of mine who is in the exact same position as me (that is, right in the middle of it all):
1. you're not having to choose between the two
2. no one has the right to make you do that
3. if they wanna confide in you, sure why not - you're still their best friend. just keep it to yourself.
4. if there's drama to be had, do the opposite and maybe it'll die down quicker.
too many people i know are drama-driven these days. i had hoped we had left that all behind in 8th grade.

meanwhile, i've found the best timezone game around (other than mario kart of course). LET'S GO JUNGLE. it's in an actual shape of a jeep that you climb in and there's guns in there that you and a partner shoot spiders and shit with. thing is, the two characters in it are a boy and a girl and after every level, it totals up your compatability rate.
so obviously i played it today with the boy and our first rating was 75% compatability and the caption was "more than just friends, but not quite lovers."
mad douche chill.
our second rating was only 20something % and the caption was even worse. so upsetting that i don't even remember it.
totally questioning the relationship now haha.

oh hellooooooo. seems let's go jungle is not only google-famous, but youtube famous.
sup wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Let%27s_Go_Jungle!:_Lost_on_the_Island_of_Spice

mad nerdgasm.

weekend wars

this weekend was time well spent with good people.
oliver is back from lismore for a couple of days and i couldn't be happier. he nearly persuaded me to take his copy of color of night home. fuck yeah softcore porn ft. bruce willis. touch yourself.
messy fun times with the girls on saturday night.

acquaintances becoming friends is always nice. i'm appreciating learning more about people than just keeping them at a safe distance. i've always been so comfortable with the people i love the most, that i forget that there are others out there who are also worth getting to know.
on that note, i am also appreciating the reasons why those held closest to my heart are there. kate my old friend, i love you.

today i woke up hungover and hot, this weather isn't working with me on so many levels.
(my tanned driving arm is making a comeback. the one-tanned-arm look isn't so fashion.)
hence why i've been irritable all day.
little annoyances have been pulling at me all day and i'm at breaking point with myself and people around me. i have this bad habit of taking things i have let pent up in me out on unbeknownst others. (sorry.)

that said, i'm learning to keep my mouth shut. thank you stephanie for starting up a blog again.

one thing i have learnt over the past couple of days is that there are a few people i know quite well (so i think i have the right to say this on many accounts) that are ridiculously hypocritical and if i could list names, i would, just so you could fucking wake up to yourself. hopelessly vague but it isn't possible/appropriate to list details.
i say it out of love and i'm sick of seeing a couple of you in strife that you and only you have placed yourself in.
i know i would appreciate it if you said the same to me on the appropriate occasion.

fingers crossed the next couple of days are productive. i'm going insane and rapidly doubting any skills i may have possessed/skills i may have bluffed my way through having.

a little preview of a print i drew and am screenprinting this week!

we're not in wonderland anymore, alice.

i've started this again.
bad habits. web logging.
have a few jobs to do so i decided the best way to avoid them was to invest my typing time into something a little less productive.
this is what i'm working on at the moment.
not so sure where i'm going with it.
hope i find out by thursday since i have to deliver it then.
fuck.

ps. the ho! team are djing once again at snatch&grab, a new lesbian night club starting out at phoenix.
a very exciting prospect. not actually a lesbian but looking forward to the night nonetheless.

feeling awkwardly unemotional for blog times right now. not too sure whether investing inner thoughts into a computer screen is the most therapeutic resource at hand. but it will have to do. for later.